crapola

This is late but if you're reading this, Happy New Year! I was in the middle of writing this when I suddenly got hit by an existential crisis. It was pretty dark that it almost turn morbid. Okay, it was definitely a bit morbid but I did something I've been planning to do for a while now so I managed to keep the bad thoughts at bay. Brains are amazing. Maybe I should talk a little bit about my crisis and then move on with other more pleasant things. While I am very positive and sometimes I may look like I ooze sunlight out of me, I can be very hard on myself. My thoughts can be depressive but I am not depressed because I think of it as a form of self-actualization. Haha I don't think I am fully self-actualized but I do try to see myself in all angles, good and bad. I usually let myself wallow in self-pity for a few moments but I'm already 28 so today I've decided to postpone my pity party. Save it for a time where I can afford to be sad. Now, let's move o...

This was written when a friend was going through a terrible heartbreak and also while I was listening to Can't Love You Anymore by IU and Oh Hyuk on repeat. Since then I believe things got better and I am listening to happier music so I guess there's no point in finishing this story haha. ******* You will always be reminded of the start when you are ending something. Or when something has ended. Like that morning when we were both spitting vile words like only lovers can, perfectly aiming for the soft spots we voluntarily showed and displayed to each other. As I sat down, wounded, I remembered the start when we knew nothing about each other, heavy armors ready to be taken down, blissfully unaware that the end was going to be this ugly. But if I had known, would I still shed the armor concealing me from the ugliness of the world or would I still happily bare myself down for you? It was a long journey for us to get here. The countless night spent watching each other in lit...

Blogging because my stomach masuk angin  and I can't sneak in Maggi inside my room because my parents are outside. Sure I can eat outside but why would I do that haha. Today, I wanna talk about being grateful and how rezeki is in all sort of form. Writing this down in case one day I decided to be one ungrateful brat so I can slap myself. I realised how rezeki comes in many form. Material wise, relationships with your parents, friends, significant others, happiness and many more. As for me, I know my rezeki in a relationship with a significant other hasn't arrived yet, probably won't but I realised that I can never complain about that. My rezeki in other places are abundant so I shall enjoy and be grateful with what I have. Money wise, while right now I only have RM58 in my account, I realised that I was never short of money. Not that I will have people hand me money, it's just that Allah will show me a way to get them in case I needed it. I have a small business o...

It's late and I am going for a picnic tomorrow! Will be cooking too so I should be sleeping but huhuhu I will risk it! Today my Pak Ngah passed away but I am at home because Ariff is having his PT3 on Monday and my parents are unsure whether they can make it before Monday. Growing up, I saw my Pak Ngah a lot. He took some wrong turns in his life, costing him a lot, including his own son but he braved through it all, turning over a new leaf before he passed away. I'm not God so I don't know where will he end up but he went from the son who would shout at my grandmother on Raya morning to my grandmother's favorite. He was with here all the time at the end of his life and that is definitely a nice chapter to end your book at. As for my grandmother, I hope she will be strong enough to face this. Now I am at a weird point in my life. It feels like I have things under control but at the same time, I think I feel like I don't. I also don't contribute anything to ...

So... my social media detox lasted less than 2 weeks. Hahaha. But I still haven't installed Twitter on my phone, just using it on incognito tab on my phone so that it would be harder for me to open them and waste time on it. Last week was pretty eventful. I got sick! My mother and I ate the chicken rice that she bought and she puked thrice and got diarrhea. I have a pretty strong stomach but I guess the chicken rice is a stronger contender haha. I was okay at first. I also didn't eat anything else so my rice needed to be digested first before I can remove them. In the morning, I woke up and went to the toilet but still was feeling super bad and then I projectile vomited haha. I spent two days not eating anything other than few bites here and there and Alhamdulillah by Saturday, I was fine. The bad thing about this is that I don't have any energy to make sandwiches which means no money but the good thing is I was actually the lightest I have ever been in years hahaha. ...

A few months ago I sent a one month notice and finally resigned from my job. After that, it's been a whirlwind of emotion - happy for removing myself from a toxic environment (not from my colleague, they're the best), sad from being rejected by so many companies that I personally would like to work for, anxious and scared due to some health scare I got a few weeks ago and many more. It's really fun most of the time but there are times where I think I am in an infinity loop. I also realized that I am so out of focus, and I realized that it is because I am super addicted to social media. There are so many things to look at, so many things to read, to absorb, to feel and I just got super tired. I uninstalled my Twitter app on my phone and logged out of my Instagram account. While I still use my phone a lot, I realised that I am more focused on doing things because less distraction and I can also avoid information overload on my poor little brain. Not only that, but I also ...

If you're reading this and you're not me, man, you must've been really bored. But say Hi when you're done because I gotta say thank you for reading. Especially since I am going to pour my heart out in this post. Haha. So, right now I am really scared, or terrified. I don't know. Pick the worst one. A few weeks ago, I was in a very bad place. So bad that I felt like dying most of the time. My body was aching all over to the point that my dad bought me some Salon Pas. You might think that that's normal, but I never complained about being sick, unless if I cant take it anymore. It was really bad until I did something that I am not sure whether I am ready or not, I quitted my job. I just couldn't handle it that I actually went and wrote my resignation letter on my phone. Was I being dramatic? Probably. Was I glad after sending my letter? Definitely. To be completely honest, I am so happy that I resigned. I have to work tomorrow, but my working blues ha...