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30th September 2018

It's late and I am going for a picnic tomorrow! Will be cooking too so I should be sleeping but huhuhu I will risk it!

Today my Pak Ngah passed away but I am at home because Ariff is having his PT3 on Monday and my parents are unsure whether they can make it before Monday.

Growing up, I saw my Pak Ngah a lot. He took some wrong turns in his life, costing him a lot, including his own son but he braved through it all, turning over a new leaf before he passed away. I'm not God so I don't know where will he end up but he went from the son who would shout at my grandmother on Raya morning to my grandmother's favorite. He was with here all the time at the end of his life and that is definitely a nice chapter to end your book at. As for my grandmother, I hope she will be strong enough to face this.

Now I am at a weird point in my life. It feels like I have things under control but at the same time, I think I feel like I don't. I also don't contribute anything to the society so if I die nothing will change, but it will also be a sad death, considering how useless I am to the world. I don't know. Maybe one day I'll find my calling, or maybe I don't. I just hope I'll end up somewhere nice and that I have nice stories that people will tell about me.

Other than the morbid thought haha, I also find myself missing a lost friend. To be honest, I am not sure how we ended up like this, and I am also not sure what are we. Are we pretending to be strangers? Are we still friends? Was I the only one who is hung up over the lost of this friendship? Was there nothing to even begin with? I mean, I do think too deeply about things at times, maybe we weren't even friends and I was just feeling it haha. But if we were friends before, was I super useless that I don't even deserve a single "Hi" or a birthday wish?

But I am just probably victimizing myself. If you're reading this, just take it with a pinch of salt. Haha is that even the right saying? The bottom line is, I just miss my friend, but not enough to ask them "apa khabar" haha.

I should go to sleep. Bye!

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